


The Guidebook

by Sashaya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce is a glorified nanny, Clint is an ass but still a friend, Gen, I'm taking my frustration on Steve, Natasha understands Tony the best, Swearing, Tony Stark Has Issues, she's a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dealing with Tony Stark means certain things. Sometimes strange things. People close to him decided to help other poor souls coming into contact with him and put together a list of rules to follow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Guidebook

**Author's Note:**

> **_Disclaimer:_** _I don't own Marvel characters._
> 
> This work is unbeta-ed! Criticism is welcome.

**Rule 334: Tony Stark alone on Helicarrier – never again. - Fury**

The full name of the rule is: Never leave a bored Tony Stark unsupervised on Helicarrier. 

Especially unsupervised. 

Actually, it hasn’t been a rule for a long time. It was common sense and then someone went and benched Stark on Helicarrier. Later into investigation, it came out that Captain Rogers was responsible for this idiotic act. And that enraged Fury even further ‘cause fuck this shit he couldn’t punish Captain Fucking America! And Stark looked like a fucking brat in a fucking candy shop, looking between Rogers and Fury.

The rule is simple. You don’t follow – you’re gonna be shoot by Fury himself. No trial, no escape-exit. No-one wants a repeat of the MLP Incident. No-one.

 

**Rule 287: Howard Stark is a no-no topic. Just leave it. – Steve**

The rule is clear. No hidden meanings or double bottom. If you want to be on friendly terms with Stark, just never talk about his dad. Even if you think that’s a perfectly nice topic. It’s. Not. Safe. And when you will get knocked down by a scary computer-but-really-something-more JARVIS, you will have only yourself to blame.

(And even the biggest jerk don’t want to see this broken look in Stark’s eyes. It’s painful.)

 

**Rule 153: Don’t hand him things. – Clint**

Stark has a lot of annoying traits and one of them is not taking anything from anyone’s hands. (Though, if you’re Pepper, there’s no problem.) It’s just so damn easier to put the freaking thing on the table/floor/bench/whatever is close then wait for Stark to even acknowledge that you’re holding something. Even if you’re stubborn enough and he finally notices you, you’ll spend at least another half hour trying to make him take the damn thing, because no-one there’s his butler or maid and he should stop being a diva. In the end, you will shout curses in every known (and unknown) language and put the thing down. Then you will storm out in a really Stark-ish manner.

Just save yourself some trouble and don’t fight it. (Have your revenge later.)

 

**Rule 116: Always leave him some pie… - Clint**

…if not, he will throw a fit worth of a 5-year-old coming down from sugar rush and needing to get high again. 

No-one knows what’s Tony’s deal with pies (he can actually leave in the middle of work to get his slice), but no-one really try to understand him. You should just give him his pie and leave. You really don’t wanna see Tony Stark down from his sugar rush. Trust me.

 

**Rule 98: Feed him. - Bruce**

You might’ve not signed up for a nanny position but if you’re going to interact with Tony, you will have to feed him. Even because there might not be many interactions because the man will starve himself to death. Because he will forget to eat. And that is a stupid way to die, even for Tony.

 

**Rule 82: Tony Stark was born a brunette and as a brunette he will die. - Clint**

Meaning: Tony Stark will throw a fit if you mess with his hair thingies and somehow make him blonde. He will bitch for ages, strutting around the place and still rocking the damn dye. Because he’s Tony fucking Stark and it won’t be even funny!

 

**Rule 75: Tony Stark should never go shopping (alone). - Steve**

The mistake was made only once. Once. Because sending Tony shopping is actually related to trusting him to be a grown-up man that he (biologically and legally) is. And that’s the biggest misunderstanding of the millennium. 

The only one time Tony went shopping, he forgot the shopping list and decided that he didn’t even want to know what was needed. So he bought the whole shop and made them deliver everything to Stark Tower.

One plus – they had supplies for quite some time, which actually saved them some time. 

And no, sending Clint with Tony is not an option. Just… no. No.

 

**Rule 60: Tony Stark should know his sacrifice plays aren’t appreciate. Gently. - Natasha**

Stark is a self-obsessed, egoistical narcissus – but really he’s not. And it quickly makes itself known because Stark will always find a way to (kill himself) rescue his teammates/city/the whole universe by flowing a nuke into space or using all the power for the last uni-beam blast. And confronting him isn’t as effective as it should be. And no, interventions don’t help. You have to somehow gently convince Stark that it all isn’t necessary. The tricky part is not to let him think it’s because he’s worse.  
 

**Rule 46: Help him fall asleep. - Bruce**

You don’t have to cuddle with Tony or sing him lullabies. Sometimes, all it takes is for someone to sit with him, sipping tea or warm milk and talk to him. About anything (just not about his father – look rule 287). If it’s just his usual insomnia acting up, he’ll finally fall asleep. If not? Then at least you tried. 

 

**Rule 45: Ignore. - Natasha**

One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to deal with Stark is because he teases, insults and annoys every breathing being. Best way to exist with him on one surface is to ignore all his jabs. You can always go to the gym to work the frustration out later. But don’t hit him – Hulk’s surprisingly fond of Stark.

 

**Rule 19: Never even think about touching the arc reactor. - Steve**

Never think about touching the reactor or actually touch it or accidentally touch it. For such a small man, who always depends on his Iron Man suit in a fight, Stark has a lot of strength. If you break this rule, you’ll see on yourself. 

And then you’ll have to explain to Pepper why her Tony is bunking in the lab. Again. 

That’s even worse than a kick to the groin. 

 

**Rule 15: If Tony Stark wants to stay away from the pool, he should stay away from the pool. - Clint**

It might come as a surprise but this isn’t Stark being difficult and/or wanting to make everyone miserable/annoyed. He won’t tell you why he won’t go swimming even if you push to the point that even Thor looks at you with disappointment. Just leave it at that. 

Under no circumstances, ignoring how hilarious it would be, throw Stark into the pool. That move will be funny for about four seconds and then the fun is over. Really over. And you’ll feel like you kicked a puppy. Puppy with alcohol and helluva other issues but still a puppy.

It really won’t be funny. 

 

**Rule 7: Never threaten what is his. - Bruce**

Truth is, not many people survived to tell this rule. Once Tony sees that his friends are threaten – or worse, kidnapped – there is about 97,6% that this villain/person won’t make it alive. It’s kind of scary since Tony doesn’t seem to think about it or feel guilty (every time Natasha seems strangely fond of him). 

**Rule 3: Coffee is sacred - Steve**

You should never stand between Tony Stark and his coffee. Not even when he had way too much to drink and not enough sleep. At first, he won’t do anything because he’ll be too tired (or will know he needs to sleep) but he will have his revenge. Because for Tony Stark, coffee is sacred and no-one should ever be denied it. Electrocution is something you should expect, when you brake this rule. 

 

**Rule 1: Pepper’s rule**

Rule 1 was Pepper’s rule. And it was really simple.

Love him.


End file.
